🙊 Don't react. Act with Intention instead.

14th Dhuʻl-Qiʻdah 1446H

Assalamu'alaikum,

Last week, I caught myself reacting to a few situations in less than ideal ways.

A curt message, an inappropriate response, a snapped reaction.

As you can guess, this led to misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and regret.

Analyzing my own behavior - I asked myself how things would have been different if I had acted with intention versus reacting in the heat of the moment. Of course, it definitely would have led to a better response.

My question is: Why is it so hard to act with intention (even though it always leads to better results) and instead so easy to react (even though in most cases, it leads to disastrous results)?

It all seems simple - don't react, just be more intentional - but the reality is much more complex. 

Below are 3 things that make reacting more tempting than acting with intention:

1. It's easy to react

Reacting is easy. Simply say or do the first thing that comes to your mind without overthinking it. Unfortunately, these knee-jerk reactions often don't come from our qalb (spiritual heart) or aql (intellect) but from our lower self (nafs) with its impatient, impulsive tendencies. 

Acting with intention is hard - it requires a strong heart with a wise mind to tame our impulses and not be reactionary. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ reminded us of this when he said: "The strong person is not the one who overcomes people with his strength, but the one who controls himself while in anger." (Muslim)

This strength of character doesn't develop overnight. Like a muscle, it grows stronger with each intentional choice we make.

2. It's satisfying to react

Let's be honest, it feels good to shoot off that angry email or snap at someone and 'put them in their place.' In the heat of the moment, it feels like a 'win' for our childlike self. But this satisfaction is deceptive - it only serves our ego, especially when we overwhelm or overpower the other person, and often harms our relationships in the long run.

Psychologists call this "emotional discharge" - the temporary relief we feel when we vent our emotions. However, studies show that this type of venting actually reinforces the negative emotion rather than dissipating it and we often feel worse afterward than if we paused and chose a more measured response.

3. We feel pressured by hustle culture and Shaytaan to react

We live in a world that demands fast responses - these quick responses are usually reactionary in nature and don't allow us to process the full implications, especially when they impact the quality of our interactions with others.

Of course, this haste is from Shaytaan, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught us: "Deliberation is from Allah and haste is from Shaytaan." (Tirmidhi) It's a classic trick to keep us in a state of haste so that we keep tripping with our words and deeds, falling into sin and harming others.

Modern technology has only amplified this pressure. The ping of a notification creates urgency where none exists. The visible "read receipts" make us feel obligated to respond immediately. 

So how do we act with intention while pressured to react so fast? 

Step 1: Pause

When we feel the urge to react, remember the adage "hold your horses." 

I like to visualize my nafs as a wild horse that wants to run and trample anything in front of it, while my qalb (spiritual heart) is the rider using the reins of aql (intellect) to hold it back toward wisdom. Pause, be quiet, don't react. 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him speak good or remain silent." (Bukhari)

Step 2: Delay your reaction

Put a time barrier between the trigger of your reaction and your response. Don't respond immediately - sleep on it, delay your response until after a prayer or two. If you're in a meeting, say things like "I'll need to think this over, give me some time." 

As folks in the Gulf would say "خلك ثقيل" which literally means "make yourself heavy" - don't be as light as a feather so any wind takes you east and west, but be grounded.

Often, time brings clarity to the situation. What seemed like a major issue a few days ago dissipates by itself in most cases, becoming no more than a distant memory.

Moreover, because of your delay, the issue might resolve itself, eliminating the need for a response. Or you can guide/respond at a time when you're not in a hot-headed state.

Step 3: Act with intention

If you need to act, act from a position of good intentions:

• What's my intention for this action?

• Is it for my own ego or for Allah SWT?

• How can I respond with ihsaan? 

• How would Prophet Muhammad ﷺ respond?

• Should I be the person to respond to this or bring in a third party?

These questions help you formulate responses that are more wise, grounded, and intentional.

What if you do all the above and the person still reacts badly or doesn't appreciate your intentional approach?

At this point - you have two choices:

1. Keep engaging with ihsaan asking Allah for the reward

Continue to engage with them from a position of ihsaan, especially if they are close relatives or important relationships. 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was once approached by a man who said, "O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep good relations, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they treat me badly. I am gentle with them but they are harsh towards me." The Prophet ﷺ replied, "If you are as you say, then it is as if you are feeding them hot ashes, and you will continue to have support from Allah against them as long as you continue to do so." (Muslim)

This hadith reminds us that maintaining ihsaan, even when it's not reciprocated, brings its own spiritual rewards. It's not about changing the other person but cultivating our own character.

2. Say salaam and move on

Sometimes, the wisest response is disengagement. Allah SWT tells us in the Quran:

"Be gracious, enjoin what is right, and turn away from those who act ignorantly." (Quran 7:199)

This verse offers us a balanced approach - remain kind, stand for what's right, but recognize when continued engagement is unproductive. Not every battle needs to be fought, and some relationships may need space or distance.

The Journey to Intentional Reaction

Transitioning from a reactive to an intentional life is a journey, and you won't always succeed. There will be days when you'll be proud of your calm/intentional response and others when you fall into old patterns. The key is to keep trying. Also, if you reacted negatively to a situation - own up to the situation, apologize, and learn from it so you can do better next time.

I hope you found this email helpful, especially if you've been in a reactionary mood like I was last week 🙈

Feel free to reply and let me know about a time when you acted with intention or reacted without intention, and how it impacted you.

Remember that acting with intention doesn't mean you'll never feel angry, hurt, or frustrated. These emotions are natural. The difference is in how we process and express them - reactively or intentionally.

May Allah SWT enable us all to live with intention and may He grant us the wisdom to pause, reflect, and respond rather than react.

Sincerely,